A New Path

I've put off writing this post for over a week now because I can't seem to put my feelings down in to words. But, we need records of the good times as well as the difficult times....

I recently posted this scripture in connection with the amazingly, perfect job Mike was offered teaching at UVU. "... and ye shall know that it is by me that ye are led." (1 Nephi 17:13) It rang so true two weeks ago when the Lord led us to the wonderful blessing of that job. Last week it rang true as we have been led to the beginning of a rough road.

I need to preface this story a bit.... At Eliza's 9 month check up the routine hematocrit test revealed that she was anemic. Many breastfed babies are and so she was started on an iron supplement without any worry. She had labs drawn again after 6 weeks and she was still anemic so the doctor said just kept her on the supplement a while longer. At her one year check up they did an in office hematocrit again and it was still low (a low hematocrit = low percentage of red blood cells = still anemic). Again the doctor was not worried but said to supplement for one more month then we'll test her again. Because of the move and everything it ended up being more like 6 weeks before I took her to the hospital to have her labs drawn (I was partially putting it off because I HATE holding her down and hearing her sad cry while they draw her blood).

The very next morning after drawing labs I got a phone call from the doctor saying Eliza was still anemic. By now the iron supplements should have corrected the problem and so they knew it was not iron-deficiency anemia. So they wanted to run more tests to rule out other causes of anemia (apparently there are over 400 causes). More labs and another call from the doctor. I knew the moment the doctor called me with the second round of results that things were more serious than anyone, including the doctors, imagined they would be. I could just hear it in her voice. She said many of Eliza's test came back normal. In fact, the only abnormal finding was she had an elevated level of one kind of hemoglobin. She told me how they (the nurse practitioner and the doctor) were unfamiliar with results like this so she had called a hematologist oncologist at Primary Children's Medical Center in SLC.

My heart stopped when she said the word oncologist. My daughter's blood work warranted a call to the oncologist? She went on to explain that the specialist at Primary's believed that the anemia is being caused some sort of problem with Eliza's bone marrow. There are several possible causes of the bone marrow not producing enough blood cells - genetic disorders, auto-immune disorders, and possibly even cancer. Eliza would need to be seen by the hematologist oncologist at Primary's so they can do further testing and pin point the exact cause. Her treatment will depend on what they find. She wanted to stress to me that her blood work did not raise any "major red flags" so as to warrant admitting her as an emergency patient so it would be a few weeks before we could get in.

Today I finally a received a call from Primary's to schedule her appointment which will be for next Thursday. It made of a very long, emotional week and a half of worrying, wishing for the best, fearing the worst, etc.

It was last Tuesday I received the lab results from the doctor and thankfully Mike and I had plans to attend the temple that night. I had briefly Googled things until I scared myself silly with some of the possibilities. I repeatedly saw words like blood transfusions, bone marrow transplants, life long treatment, etc associated with things I was finding. Like our doctor said, there are still dozens of things it could be. I quickly shut of the computer realizing that knowing all of the possibilities could not possibly make me feel better. I was so thankful for the temple that night. It's peace has never meant so much to me before.

In the temple I felt overwhelming peace but not in the way I expected. I was hoping for the "everything is going to be alright" type of peace. Instead the peace I felt was more of a reassurance that if I remained faithful, this trial would not be more than I could bear. I also felt the realization that, like the scripture quoted above, the Lord was leading me. Earlier in the same verse it reads, "And I will also be your light in the wilderness; and I will prepare the way before you, if it so be that ye shall keep my commandments" We are lead down so many paths in this life. Some of them are wonderful and smooth while others are full of rocks and thorns. But, we never have to walk a path alone. We will  always, always be led if we obey the commandments. I realized that the Lord is leading me down this rough path just as He has led us down so many other paths in the past. All we have to do is remain faithful.

The time between now and next Thursday cannot pass soon enough. Some moments I look at our happy little E toddling around and climbing on everything and think there couldn't possibly be anything wrong with her. But then there are times like this morning when I look at her and I can see she is sick. Behind her sweet smile you can tell something is not right in her blood. Her skin is too pale, her eye are too tired/baggy, she gets overly cranky/clingy easily.

She's a fighter though. Whatever she is facing, we know she will be so strong. My prayer is that we can be as strong and faithful as she is.